By Francesco Lami
Popcorn Biology! No, I’m not going to write about corn genetics, as I’m by no means Barbara McClintock; instead, this new section will represent the love child of two of my greatest passions: biology and cinema. I’ll take a look at some sci-fi movies, old and new, and comment their interpretation of the wonderful world of living beings.
Today, we’ll talk about Horror Express, a nice little old-school movie about space monkeys that rape your brain. Oh, and Christopher Lee is involved. Nice.
Christopher Lee is an anthropologist (much like the other guy who will eventually show up and write something on this blog) who discovers an important fossil of a filthy monkey-man from the past, which could reveal some new, precious information about human evolution. I’d like to stop here for a minute and underline that, while the movie is pretty silly and the science in it is predictably and astonishingly bad, it’s remarkably pro-evolution and pro-science, and the only religious character in it is a negative, albeit hilarious, one. Seriously, it was pretty cool when Chris Lee treated like a retarded moron a woman who said that evolution was an immoral theory. Take that, creationists. Dracula is on our side. Which explains why he can’t stand christian symbology.
Anyway, what predictably happens is that the monkey-man escapes from the rock (ice?) in which it had been trapped for two millions of years and start killing people. Now, to be fair, the monkey was possessed by an incorporeal alien super-intelligence, but this doesn’t explain how the heck it survived for millions of years unaltered in a rock and then escaped, as later is shown that all the beings possessed by said intelligence can be easily killed by conventional methods. So yeah, this must mean that sooner or later we are bound to find a living T-Rex trapped into a rock somewhere. Palaeontologists take note.
But that’s not the worst part. Dracula concludes that the monkey kills its victims by draining their memories and stealing all their thoughts. How did he guess that? He examined the brains of the victims and saw that they were as smooth “as a baby’s bottom” and, of course, everybody knows that the convoluted topography of the human cortex is a result of years and years of life memories that sculpt themselves into the brain. It’s not like that, I dunno, the cortex is convoluted so it can cover a much larger area in a small place and thus making us intelligent without having planet-sized heads. That shit is totally out. But that’s not the worst part.
At some point they kill the monkey (well, actually it’s an ape, but in a movie like this who cares) and decide to examine its eye. They squeeze some eye goo on a microscope slide and put it under a microscope and… they find, recorded into the eye goo, all the images the alien intelligence previously stored into the monkey had seen during its long life, including dinosaurs, pterosaurs and Earth from space. You know, I was going to complaint about the dated reconstruction of the dinos, but then I realized that that wasn’t the biggest problem with this scene. Yes, neuroscientists all over the world, the key to visual memory is apparently the vitreous humour! Fuck the brain, just squeeze some eye goo on a microscope slide and enjoy the show!
And those are only the three major problems with Horror Express‘ science. But you know what? It’s not a documentary, it’s a silly old-school horror movie, and a pretty funny one too. So I recommend you all to watch it and have a good laugh, and in the next installment of Popcorn Biology we’ll address some other examples of bad science in sci-fi movies!